An important study was released in Nature today that described alarming findings concerning Diet Coke. Researchers discovered that drinking as little as 9 cans of Diet Coke each day can induce hyper-metastatic hyperplasia of the lateral incisors: tooth cancer. Even more disturbing than the fact that this common American beverage causes cancer is the speed of its onset. Certain subjects in their phase IV, double-blind, covariate-adapted, randomized, placebo-controlled trial reported symptoms within seconds of consumption, and many subjects regrettably succumbed to the disease after only a few hours.
The sweetener aspartame is the suspected cause of the tooth cancer, although researchers are continuing to investigate the dubious additive dihydrogen oxide as a possible agent. This rigorous, NIH study found conclusive evidence that aspartame causes cancer in rats. Although the source is yet to be verified in a phase V randomized, controlled trial, scientists have preemptively decided to name the Diet Coke illness “Sweetener-Induced Dental Syndrome,” or “SIDS” for short (although the Samui International Diving School contests their use of the acronym).
The following video shows one man, Rick Astley, shortly before his untimely demise. Mr. Astley had imbibed only 10 cans of Diet Coke in one hour, but he quickly became symptomatic for SIDS. His convulsions in the video demonstrate the relentless cruelty of the disease. The song is a requiem for his ambivalent love of Diet Coke. “Never gonna give you up, never gonna let you down…” were Mr. Astley’s dying words.
Well I think that will suffice for this April Fool’s Day. See, isn’t medicine fun?!